A Lawyer's Mind?

From Times Online

Feet up, brain engaged, now test your wits . . .

There’s nowt so queer or entertaining as clients and their lawyers, as our annual Christmas quiz proves

Gary Slapper

1. The emergency 999 telephone service celebrated its 70th birthday in 2007. Which of these emergency calls was not made?
(a) From a man in Birmingham who said he’d lost his trousers.(b) From a woman in London screaming that there was a spider in her bath.(c) From a woman in Yorkshire who did not know how to cook a leg of lamb.(d) From a London man who said that his political party had been given £600,000 in suspicious circumstances.
2. Which, if any, of these defences was not presented in court?
(a) “I was late for a first aid course” — Edward Hutcheson, a health and safety inspector, prosecuted for shaving in his rear-view mirror while driving.(b) “It was to soothe a chronic genital itch” — Gregor Spalding, prosecuted for growing cannabis.(c) “It was performance art imitating a terrorist attack” — Michael Stone, charged with attempted murder in Stormont when he broke in with a bomb and a gun. (d) “That’s what we do in Mexico” — Marco Lozano, charged with fondling the bottoms of 12 Edinburgh women.
3. In which of these real cases did this exchange occur? Judge: “Is one to abandon every vestige of common sense in approaching this matter?” Counsel: “Yes, my Lord”
(a) A dispute about the lawfulness of court fees charged to citizens that yield an annual profit of £45 million. (b) A case in 1957 in which a runaway cow knocked down a man on a zebra crossing in Guildford.(c) A dispute about Slough Council’s decision to cancel its annual Bonfire Night party as part of its “Cleaner, Safer, Greener Slough” policy.(d) A prosecution in 1993 against Karl Watkins for having sexual relations with pavements in Redditch.
4. Which word fills the gap in Lord Justice Harman’s 1966 statement? “A ----- is a paid advocate who speaks for the person who pays the fee.”
(a) Barrister.(b) Doctor.(c) Lobbyist.(d) Advertiser.
5. The Swiss are planning a referendum on whether animals should be entitled to lawyers. In which of these real cases did the animal in question give evidence?
(a) Buddy, the donkey who appeared before Judge Steven Seider in Dallas in a case of nuisance by braying.(b) Blackie the talking cat, from Georgia, US, heard by Judge Dudley Bowen to say “I love you”, and whose owners were liable to pay tax on income from her.(c) Rusty, the 11-st labrador, for whose obesity his owners were prosecuted at Ely magistrates’ court. (d) Tetter, the border collie of Richard Adams (author of Watership Down), accused of being mischievous in 1987.
6. In 2007, who asked for £340 million?
(a) The NHS, which wants an extra 17,000 state-registered nurses.(b) The European Parliament’s dining department.(c) The Royal Family as a tax rebate.(d) A San Diego law firm in legal fees in the Enron litigation.
7. Who was accused of wasting court time when an adjournment of trial was ordered because he could not find anyone to act as his solicitor?
(a) Britain’s most senior traffic policeman, when charged with speeding.(b) An MP who had campaigned for years to cut solicitors’ legal aid pay. (c) A man accused of “incitement to assault lawyers” on his anti-lawyer website.(d) A Law Society official responsible for managing solicitors’ membership details.
8. Michael Kuzilny said that his client admitted being “an idiot”. Who was his client?
(a) Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, Health Minister in South Africa, where 1,000 people a day die of Aids, for a policy of garlic and beetroot to treat the epidemic. (b) Newt Gingrich, the US politician who, after the Virginia Tech campus massacre, said most students on campus should be allowed to have firearms.(c) Troy Spry, who let his six-year-old daughter sit on his lap to drive a car that ended up in a neighbour’s living room.(d) Patrick Mercer, the English politician, who said that it was a normal part of military life for an ethnic minority soldier to be called a “black bastard”.
9. Who said: “If we accept this rule, it’s going to make us into a nation of milksops”?
(a) A supermarket cartel member in 2007, on the law against price-fixing.(b) A magistrate in 1967, on the 70mph speed limit.(c) A MP in 2007, on the Bill that would make it an offence for a politician to lie.(d) A judge in 1884, on giving the vote to the working class.
10. Who told police he’d no idea what he had been doing for the previous five years?
(a) Donald Rumsfeld, after standing down as US Defence Secretary.(b) Pete Doherty, in a West London bar.(c) John Darwin, in a West London police station.(d) Mark Wallinger, roaming about dressed as a bear, after winning the Turner Prize.
The author is Professor of Law at the Open University. His new book How the Law Works is published by HarperCollins
Answers: 1.(d) 2. all were. 3.(b) 4.(b) 5.(d) he demonstrated his obedience. 6.(d) 7.(a) 8.(c) 9.(b) 10.(c)