All Blacks

Richie McCaw, right, leads the haka. This one lasted for 83 minutes.

So, then, this New Zealand choking record. They haven't actually done much choking, have they? Let's look at the facts. They won the first staging of the Rugby World Cup in 1987. In 1991, Australia were simply the best team in the world, and the pre-tournament favourites. In 1995, New Zealand were the best team in the world, and should have won the final, but in fairness two-thirds of the team were doing the Pizza Hut Pasodoble and spent most of the time leading up to the big game in the pan. In 1999, they should have won the tournament, but were blown away by France with the line in sight during the second half of that semi-final, but hey, these things happen. In 2003, they froze against Australia in the semi, and in 2007, they froze against France in the quarters. So, er, OK, maybe they do a fair bit of choking.

Still, they're by far the best team in the 2011 World Cup. And they've got home advantage. This should be a shoo-in for the All Blacks: they've played France 50 times in Tests, winning 37 of the games and drawing one, losing only 12. They've only lost against Les Bleus four times on their own soil in 24 outings. Their biggest winning margin against the French came four years ago in Wellington - a nine-try 61-10 hammering - and of course they've won the only previous World Cup final between the two sides, that 1987 match, 29-9.

It's France, though, isn't it. They're arguing amongst themselves, and they all hate the coach. It's like the 2006 and 2010 football World Cup squads rolled into one, and multiplied by some good old-fashioned industrial action. On the flip side, of course, they've knocked New Zealand out of two of the last three World Cups, which will give the All Blacks pause. But most importantly of all, they're France. And France, so the cliché which I'm only too happy to trot out goes, are due a stellar performance every now and then. They've not had one in this World Cup, yet have made the final? Could the stars finally be aligning for Les Bleus, the only Big Nation yet to make off with the Webb Ellis Cup.

In summary: It is on!

Kick off: 9am in the British "Summer" Time.

New Zealand: Dagg, Jane, Smith, Nonu, Kahui, Cruden, Weepu, Woodcock, Mealamu, O. Franks, Whitelock, Thorn, Kaino, McCaw, Read.
Replacements: Hore, B. Franks, A. Williams, Thomson, Ellis, Donald, S. Williams.

France: Medard, Clerc, Rougerie, Mermoz, Palisson, Parra, Yachvili, Poux, Servat, Mas, Pape, Nallet, Dusautoir, Bonnaire, Harinordoquy.
Replacements: Szarzewski, Barcella, Pierre, Ouedraogo, Doussain, Trinh-Duc, Traille.

Referee: Craig Joubert (South Africa)

Terrible news for New Zealand! "Choking? New Zealand? What are you going on about, Scott?" splutters Kevin Mannerings. "Why even your beloved Sergio Garcia is taking an eight-shot lead into the last round of the Castello Masters in Valencia. New Zealand, and Sergio, will banish the ghosts today and bring it home." Oh Kevin! How could you! That's torn it now. If/when France make off with the pot, the Kiwi nation is never going to forgive you for this. Sergio, needless to say, I've already given up on.

So I think we can agree that Sophie Tucker with Miff Mole and his Molers, honourary French for the day, probably trump Crowded House and the bloke who did How Bizarre. Although if you factor in Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand probably edge it. All together now: All of our fashions come from gay Par-ee / And if they come above the knee / Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong ...

The teams take to the field. For the last time in this World Cup, the bloke with the wooden horn revisits Mulligan and O'Hare's interpretation of Another Day In Paradise - and the teams take to the pitch. It's aesthetically perfect: La France, she won the toss but opted to play in white as opposed to bleu, so New Zealand could wear all black in their own World Cup. There's nice. Of the Guardian readership, I should report that there's been a groundswell of support for France. Well, two emails. "I'm supporting France," rat-a-tats Alexander Netherton in morse code, multi-tasking while nailing his colours to the mast. "How can you not support a side that has fifteen surnames that all sound like types of steak?" Meanwhile Fred Lane emails in with some "suitable counter-haka music":

The anthems: Both are as stirring as you like. La Marseillaise is, of course, the grandest in the world, thanks to Casablanca. But New Zealand's, How Bizarre It's Business Time God Defend New Zealand, is a rousing call to arms too. Lovely. Then it's the haka. They've just started it. Back in 38 minutes, then.

And we're off! The All Blacks get the ball spinning through the air, launching it long down the right. It's dispatched back. Cruden kicks again. Medard claims. By the way, the French responded to the haka by lining up in an arrowhead formation. "Looked like Dusautoir was leading the French team on a school trip," opines Billy Benros.

2 min: Early nerves on display by both teams. France kick upfield, but the ball flies out on the full. Then New Zealand cock up the line out. It's all something and nothing in the midfield at the moment.

4 min: France getting plenty of handling time in the early exchanges, flinging passes hither and yon. But as they approach the All Black 22 down the right, Palisson is penalised for not releasing. The pressure, such as it was, is off the home side.

6 min: Weepu snaps a pass out left to Read, who nearly releases Kahui down the wing, but he's bundled into touch. But a white shirt has crept offside, and this will be an opportunity for Weepu to put the first points on the board, from just inside the French 10-metre line, out on the left.

7 min: Weepu shanks a dreadful kick well wide left of the posts. Not the greatest start.

9 min: France are slinging it around beautifully, Palisson, Mermoz, Medard and Clerc all involved in a lovely romp down the left, but eventually the ball's turned over and the All Blacks send the French right back into their own 22. It remains to be seen how long this lasts - the French started strongly against the All Blacks in the group stage before being tonked 37-17 - but for now, this is being hotly contested.

11 min: Now France come back at the All Blacks, Rougerie stroking a fantastic kick down the left and into touch deep inside the opposition's 22. The All Blacks claim the line out. These teams are going toe to toe. It is the World Cup final, after all. "It's nowhere near as risible as 1973's effort (what could be?) but white dudes still look stupid performing the Haka," writes Stephen Davenport. That haka was performed on the day I was born. Not that you should care, but facts are facts.

13 min: Parra is clattered Nonu, and then kneed in the head by McCaw. That's quite a hit. He's got to go off. On comes Francois Trinh-Duc.

15 min: THE OPENING TRY - AND IT'S SCORED BY A PROP. New Zealand 5-0 France. This came out of nothing. A line out down the right, inside the 22. It's thrown right into the middle, Kaino leaping high and batting the ball down for Woodcock, who bombs through a massive gap in the French lineout, and the French defence, to leap over for the opening score! There wasn't a white shirt anywhere near him. Auckland is currently in orbit. Weepu misses the conversion to the right.

18 min: New Zealand nearly break clear down the left, but France manage to stem the flow. Speaking of which, Parra comes back on for Trinh-Duc, the French having convinced the officials that it was a blood-bin affair. Very clever. Probably fair, all in all, as there's some controversy regarding McCaw kneeing him in the head: was it late and deliberate? Nobody's making any conclusive noises, even after several replays.

21 min: France's confident start has blown out a wee bit. New Zealand are camped just inside the French half, and are constantly threatening to break through the thin white line. So far, France are soaking up the pressure. But it's all a bit last ditch: Dagg nearly scoots off down the left, but he's tapped into touch by the 22. "I may be English but I'm behind the All Blacks all the way," writes Guy Hornsby. "How can you not be? Host Nation, the best in the tournament by a mile, playing with 4m behind them after the tragedies of Christchurch and the mining disaster against a team that's been uniformity terrible, riven by discord, and that had the semi handed to them and still almost threw it away. I'm even wearing all black."

23 min: It's no good, Parra can't continue. He goes off, looking pained both physically and mentally, Trinh-Duc coming back on. "Is it true that Lievremont and his moustache have fallen out and will be going their separate ways?" asks Richard Livings. "I've heard Rob Andrew is already in negotiations to bring it into England's back room team."

24 min: Dagg sends a majestic kick down the left, and out by the corner flag. France claim the line out and clear well. On the bench, Parra is sobbing uncontrollably, his World Cup final dream shattered by the knee of McCaw.

27 min: In the breakdown, France lose possession, then stick a hand into the counter ruck where it doesn't belong. Penalty to New Zealand. Weepu has a simple kick, just outside the 22, a bit to the right of the posts. He hoicks it yards wide right. That is risible, one of the worst kicks in the history of All Rugby, and that includes Jonny Wilkinson's offerings in this tournament. Yes, that bad.

29 min: Weepu isn't going to hide, and kicks from hand deep inside the French 22 down the right. Again, France claim and clear. But the All Blacks are piling on the pressure. France are defending staunchly, but another score looks only a matter of time. "How dare the French have the temerity to wear England's traditional and iconic all-white strip?" blasts rugby-merchandise satirist Stephen Davenport. "I'm affronted, and I shall now not be lunching on Brie and baguettes."

30 min: New Zealand fling a few passes to edge upfield. Kahui sends a grubber kick towards the left-hand corner, but Rougerie slides in to claim the ball before McCaw can touch down for the try. Speaking of McCaw, here's Peter Gibbs: "At least the officials gave Parra a chance to get back into the game but a knee to the head is still a knee to the head. I cry foul."

32 min: Trinh-Duc kicks delightfully down the left, by the 22. Jane comes over to swipe the ball from the air before it bounces into touch, but with his second stride brushes the whitewash. France will have some good field possession here, and they're only five points down, despite all that All Black pressure. Can they make anything of this?

33 min: No. Possession is lost with almost indecent haste, a knock on. And then, adding insult to self-inflicted injury, they transgress at the scrum, allowing New Zealand to clear to halfway. And then throw too long in the lineout, allowing the All Blacks to scoot upfield. The burst comes to nothing, but France can't afford to turn their noses up to opportunities like that.

34 min: Cruden is hit with a massive tackle by Trinh-Duc. His right leg sticks in the turf as he's hit, and twists this way and that. He'll not be able to continue, that leg is jiggered. He's helped off, limping as gingerly as a man can limp, and Stephen Donald comes on to make his World Cup debut in a World Cup final. After Carter and Slade, that's the third All Black fly half to bite the dust in this tournament. Amazing. That'll give the French succour, you'd have thought.

36 min: There's a history of drop goals in World Cup finals. None in this one yet, despite Trinh-Duc having a dig here from 30 metres, his effort - from just to the left - sails just wide right of the posts.

37 min: What a break by Trinh-Duc, who slaloms at super-speed down the right wing. He drops a shoulder to evade a couple of tackles, eats up half the field, but just as it looks as though he's going to break clear and score a wonder try, he's tap tackled by Weepu. What an intervention! That is stunning rugby all round. France gain good field position nevertheless, but can't do anything with it.

HALF TIME: New Zealand 5-0 France. With Cruden gone, a World Cup debutant at fly half for the All Blacks, and the oft-inspirational Trinh-Duc on the pitch, we've got a game here, you know. In the closing stages of the half, New Zealand have decent field position down the left, but Weepu chooses to boot the ball out of play the second the clock ticks past 40 minutes, perhaps wisely deciding that the ALl Blacks need to regroup. He jogs off looking not particularly pleased - but at least his team are leading.

OLD-SCHOOL HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT:

Here we go, eh?

And we're off again! No changes at the break. France send the ball down the left. They eventually get the ball in their hand on the All Black 10-metre line. Time for a few phases, perhaps? They certainly look up for this. Just to let you know a NZ cartoonist predicted all this, writes Jen Oram.

41 min: McCaw is penalised for fiddling around in the ruck, coming in from the side. This'll be a penalty to France, out on the left touchline. "The TV coverage over here is appalling, but the cameras are capturing the essential detail: Weepu has bottled it," reports Nick Proctor from down under. "The poor bugger's absolutely pumped with adrenaline, and whatever he wants to do with his boot is being betrayed by the arguments inside his head. Is there anyone else who can kick? The ABs should still win, but if the French can keep going, kick a couple themselves then I think it's going to be disgustingly close. I have some mates who will be hiding behind the sofa by now."

42 min: A tough kick for Yachvili. It looks like he's stroked it between the sticks, but the ball drifts wide just at the last. It's not a match for the kickers, this.

44 min: Dagg nearly gets on the end of a long punt down the left wing, but Rougerie is in position to smother the ball inside his own 22 and avert the danger of a try. "On one side New Zealand are far from convincing playing a game where the odds, according to the ad down the side, are 1/16 in their favour," writes Michael Hunt. "On the other side they are still winning, with their fourth fly half. This would be like England winning the world cup with Charlie Hodgson at 10."

45 min: Illegal French hands in the breakdown, slap bang in the middle of the French half. Stephen Donald will step up to take the penalty.

46 min: PENALTY! New Zealand 8-0 France. Donald slots the ball between the sticks, although only just, the ball tight to the right-hand post. That'll calm some nerves. A suggestion that there was a high All Black tackle just before the penalty, and that France are unlucky to concede.

48 min: TRY!!! New Zealand 8-7 France. What a response from France! Trinh-Duc bursts through the middle, and offloads to Yachvili, who slips just as he looks like breaking through. The ball's shuttled out left. France faff around. Then it's slipped back into the middle, where the captain Dusautoir takes up possession and batters through a huge gap in the middle of the park, plonking the ball over at the base of the right-hand post. Amazing! Yachvili converts. This is on! We have a match here.

50 min: Weepu is replaced by Andy Ellis. New Zealand send the restart out on the full. France have the ball in hand again in All Black territory. This is a final now. A real sense of tension in Auckland. The All Blacks aren't going to come up short again, are they? This is the first time they've been put under a large amount of pressure. Will they cope like world champions?

52 min: Donald breaks through a couple of tackles and bursts down the left. That takes a bit of pressure off the All Blacks and sends them onto the front foot for the first time in a while. The fourth-choice fly half looks like he's of a mind to step up to the plate here. "As a Brit living in Montpellier," begins Philippa Booth, "a quick note on the French reaction to that try. A huge roar, now much cheering and clapping, can hear some people singing La Marseillaise. I should probably point out that I am currently at home, and the nearest bar is two streets away. Greatly enjoying this." Yes, this is a fine contest. Anything could happen. Sport at its erratic and fascinating best.

54 min: Plenty of possession for the All Blacks, but France are hitting them again and again with big tackles. Eventually they're pushed back into their own territory. After a while, there's a knock on. Eden Park isn't quiet, exactly, but the home support is on tenterhooks.

57 min: Trinh-Duc kicks to the New Zealand 22 down the right. The All Blacks take it quickly, and nearly bugger it up while doing so. Their nerves are palpable in every action. It's worth remembering that they're still leading this match.

59 min: Mermoz stays on his feet and allows his pack to drive him into the All Black 22. It's a massive drive, but New Zealand regroup, stand firm, and eventually are gifted the ball, France knocking on. "The All Blacks are showing that you can want something too much, no?" asks Simon Frank. Damn straight. This is also, of course, the only reason Scotland haven't won multiple football World Cups. That's right, isn't it?

62 min: The All Blacks attempt to burst down the right, but Donald gets rugby's version of dartsitis - let's call it rugbyitis - and can't release a pass when he really should. You'd be brave to call the result of this match. It's a hell of a performance by France, who let's not forget, were given no chance before kick off. "Re-visiting this white French kit issue, sorry, I've had a change of heart," writes rugby-merchandise satirist Stephen Davenport (29 mins). "If you're a rather one-eyed English person you have the advantage, if a rather desperate one, of squinting a bit and pretending England made it to the final after all, but with fewer penalties, more imagination, a suddenly robust defence, and the zippy Trinh-Duc cast in the role of an out-of-position Ashton. I said it was desperate."

64 min: A penalty to the French, the All Blacks' front row driving up in the scrum as the white shirts pushed them back on the halfway line. Trinh-Duc will have a dig at this from distance, just to the left of the posts, right on halfway. Can he give France the lead?

65 min: No. That's as bad a kick as you'll ever see. Trinh-Duc Weepus a kick miles wide right. A couple of changes for France: Szarzewski and Barcella coming on for Poux and Servat.

66 min: A huge garryowen down the France right. Dagg is under it, and claims, but it's ripped from his grasp by a majestic Traille. The ball's eventually turned over, but for a while the entire New Zealand nation were sucking their teeth. France have their tails up; New Zealand look very shaky indeed.

68 min: Trinh-Duc hoofs long. Too long. Dagg can take, make the mark, and hoick a massive clearing kick out down the left, midway in the French half. That's relieved a lot of pressure. It's all about territory now.

69 min: Pierre comes on for, er, I'll get back to you. "Following the fine example of rugby-merchandise satirist Stephen Davenport (mins passim), could you just sub in the word England instead of France and maybe a few of the players names as well?" asks Michael Hunt. "Then we can all briefly live the dream, before the crushing disappointment comes all over again."

71 min: Trinh-Duc flips the ball out wide. Palisson turns the boosters on down the left, and nearly breaks clear. McCaw is the man who comes over to make the crucial tackle. This is incredibly tense. It's anyone's World Cup. It hasn't been flowing rugby, but what a game.

73 min: France are throwing it around a lot, back and forth along the halfway line. The All Blacks are holding firm, though.

74 min: France are up to 14 phases now. Fifteen. Sixteen. It looks as though they're thinking about setting Trinh-Duc up for a drop goal attempt, but they're a wee bit too far out at the moment.

75 min: A couple of changes. Sonny Bill Williams comes on for Nonu. And for France, Doussain comes on for Yachvili. It's his Test debut! With five minutes to go! At the end of arguably the tensest World Cup final in history! Dear me. God speed, young man.

77 min: The All Black pack turn the ball over! And it looks like it might have been the new boy, Doussain, who has knocked on. Oh dear. That could be the moment New Zealand's 24 years of hurt ended.

78 min: Read powers up the right and sets another phase. New Zealand are just looking to run the clock down now.

79 min: France's only hope: forcing a turnover. But Harindoroquay gets impatient and concedes a penalty. That will probably be that. "The old kitchen sink being thrown by both teams now, but similar to Peter Griffin fighting a giant cockerel - there's only going to be one winner now," writes Ian Burch.

FINALLY... FINALLY... AFTER 24 YEARS, THE ALL BLACKS ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS OF RUGBY UNION AGAIN!!! New Zealand 8-7 France.New Zealand win a penalty down the right. Andy Ellis kicks the ball into touch, and the stadium erupts in delight! After 24 years of waiting, New Zealand are on top of the world again! It was a war of attrition, far from pretty, but the All Blacks won't care. Spare a thought for France, though, who were their equals in a surprisingly tight final. New Zealand have made it - but only just.

In fact, you could make a case for France being the better team in the final.New Zealand won't care, though. They just had to get over the line; pretty football is for another time. And anyway, the All Blacks were still the team of the tournament - and now they've shaken the monkey off their back. "I'm absolutely shagged," says the captain Richie McCaw. "Some team had to do it sometime, and we had the chance this year. The whole country should be proud of every single one of the players."

The All Blacks aren't cavorting around the pitch. They're clearly physically and emotionally drained. I doubt they've even got the energy to suck 17 pints of beer through their socks. Every man on the pitch, both in black shirts and white, gave it their all. France were brilliant, but New Zealand were simply that little bit too strong. They're waiting around to receive their trophy. What on earth is the hold up here?

Here's the winning coach. A blissfully happy but clearly knackered Graham Henry says he's "so proud to be a New Zealander standing here. There was a bit of turmoil up there [watching the game upstairs from behind the glass]. Stephen Donald? Superb!" Anyway, here comes the Webb Ellis Trophy! "What on earth is the hold up here?" asks Philippa Booth, rhetorically. "Frantically trying to find an extra winner's medal for the ref? (According to most of the French coverage.)"

The trophy presentation: France, exhausted and grim-faced to a man, pick up their runners-up medals. They were absolutely superb today, a fantastic performance. On another day, they would be world champions for the first time. But it wasn't to be. One day, one day. They're forced to line up on a semi-circular podium, behind a circular podium upon which New Zealand will cavort. Do they have to be put through this? It's beyond preposterous. Photographs are taken, an announcement is made, a generous round of applause is granted. And then... here come the champions.

Here, remember that cartoon sent in by Jen Oram at the start of the second half? Didn't quite come to pass, with Stephen Donald, the fourth-choice fly half, the World Cup debutant, stroking over the winning points. But it nearly did: that kick only just crept inside the right-hand post. He made it, though, and now, on the podium, his smile is wider than his face. What a hero! That's lovely to see. A huge cheer for Dan Carter, suited and booted, who put in his shift earlier. And finally, Richie McCaw lifts the Webb Ellis Trophy. The lid comes off Eden Park, to the extent that the fireworks going off as McCaw waves the cup above his head can't be heard at all. So, then, NEW ZEALAND: 2011 WORLD CUP WINNERS. And that's that for another four years. Next stop England and Wales. The final word to an All Black fan, I think: "It's been a fairly rotten year for NZ, with the CHCH quake & Pike River, so this is a welcome ray of light for the country," writes Eleanor Goldsmith in Auckland. "And tomorrow's a national holiday – yay!"